I just learnt a new word today . Mom Rage. How Fitting !
I felt I was angry then I realized I was feeling more than anger. There is a rage inside me. Today is the kind of day which tests my patience. L who is two and half-year-old boy ran down the street after I picked up his elder sister from school. He won’t sit in his pink car and won’t stop running. I was pretty scared that he would get hurt and became frustrated. But I managed to make him sit in the push car. Of course he didn’t like it.
Then another episode, L and A were playing together after dinner. A was going up and down of sofa and chair. After that L copied and he climbed on the sofa. A kicked him and he fell backward. Big shock and loud cries. Angry spiked and so intense, I couldn’t calm myself down. I soothed L and gave him kisses and big hugs. A was feeling so guilty and saying sorry. She wants me to hug her. I couldn’t hug her right away, anger was consuming me and I said no hug right now. It makes her pretty upset.
After a while guilt rushed in, why couldn’t I console my daughter when she needed me, when she was feeling guilty, when she was feeling ashamed of what she did, which might be an accident?
I felt ashamed that I was not a good mother. I said sorry to A and explained to her that I was scared that my babies would get hurt, angry that I couldn’t stop the hurt and sad that I didn’t hug her right away. Both of us hugged each other and I told her I was trying to control my emotions and wasn’t successful. She said Mommy don’t cry, I can’t control my emotions too I feel sad and angry sometimes too. It made me bawl ( which I didn’t do in front of her ).
Such an emotional night. May I have the strength to do better tomorrow?
